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- “I already know this stuff about myself.”
- “It couldn’t have been that bad.”
- “This is ridiculous!”
- “Well of course I was angry about that!”
- “My life wasn’t that important; there’s no use in thinking about it.”
What you’re doing here is talking yourself out of trying. While resistance can take less obvious forms, it can happen when your current situation is emotionally similar to an event from your childhood.
Self-awareness is the first step to change. If you notice you’re resisting change or if someone brings this to your attention, acknowledge it. If you feel comfortable, talk about or write down what happens with your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and behavior.
Look for anything in the following list that you have noticed yourself doing when you think about emotional situations:
- forgetting
- losing focus
- daydreaming
- getting drowsy
- getting bored
- becoming restless
- getting hungry
- getting angry
- going “blank”
- drinking
Overcoming it is usually a choice requiring dedication, patience and sometimes professional counseling. The following suggestions are among the hundreds available in books; on the internet; in counseling and elsewhere.
1. The first step in overcoming resistance is self awareness. Knowing beforehand what you want to change, why, and what the change will accomplish then writing this down is helpful. For example:
“I don’t know why but I can’t always be affectionate with my partner. I get anxious when I try unless I have a few drinks. I want to change this because underneath, I’m very affectionate. Plus she’s hurting and we’re fighting more. I want this to stop and feel more adequate and comfortable in the relationship.”
2. Step back and look at the situation objectively and identify how you resist change and write this down. For example, do you deny the facts or suppress bad feelings with alcohol or drugs, or do you blame or criticize?
3. Consider the cost of not changing, in terms of your relationships; career; self respect and reputation.
4. Notice if you have unexpected feelings and/or behaviors when you resist changing. These “out of the blue” reactions include anxiety, anger, sadness, impulsiveness, restlessness, isolation, blushing and embarrassment, silence, fear, shame and guilt. Write these down.
5. Be curious and journal about life after change. For example: “What would my life look and feel like if I was
• more affectionate with my partner • less sarcastic at work • more talkative with friends?”
6. Sharing your experience with someone you trust; talking with a licensed professional counselor; regularly writing in a journal or saying your thoughts and feelings out loud can help with your discomfort if you have it.
7. Don’t try to change something that you have no control over. Walking away from an impossible situation doesn’t mean you’re giving up.
8. Realize that making a change usually means leaving something behind, like the few good things about a bad relationship or friendly colleagues at a stale job or the comfort of routine.
Working with a therapist in individual counseling or couples therapy can help you identify the ways your resistance shows up in your life and in your relationships and what your options for change are. If it is appropriate for your particular situation, hypnotherapy can be an effective way to break through resistance to change, and is usually part of regularly scheduled counseling with a professional therapist. To find a qualified hypnotherapist in your area, contact the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis .
This article is based on my book “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men”. Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 with any questions or to schedule an appointment.
]]>It’s easier to talk about fighting fair when you both feel connected. For example, you can mention the idea when you’re comfortable watching TV together or while you’re taking a walk. Start with something like “Right now we’re feeling closer, and wouldn’t it be nice if we had more time like this? Let’s make time to talk about how we can fight fair so neither of us feels hurt or resentful.”
Plan to meet in person for about one hour in a place where neither of you will be distracted or interrupted. If necessary use video calling or speak in person by phone. Regardless, agree to take turns and to not interrupt. Talk specifically about words and behaviors that are not okay to use during a fight. Talking about how you’re feeling as you do this can also increase your connection.
Examples of hurtful words and actions include: • Cursing • Storm out during the fight • Insults • Yelling • Threats to leave the relationship
Agree to fight at home. Except for the bedroom, pick one area of your home for fighting. Be specific. For example, pick one room and the chairs you’ll each sit in.
Agree on what to do if tempers flare in public or in social situations. For example, agree to find a space to let out some steam until you can get home. Remember that fighting in a moving car can be unsafe.
Write down or record what each of you agreed to. (Having a record also helps if you can’t finish your guidelines in one meeting.)
Sign, date and if you wish, add a title to your guidelines Post the document in the area you chose for fighting. You can refer to during a fight if either of you needs reminding.
Within about (24) hours after the fight ends discuss what did and didn’t work, how you each felt during the fight and how you feel now. For example, did you feel safe during the fight? Understood? Heard? Is the fight resolved? Modify your guidelines as needed.
Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 with any questions or to schedule an appointment. Click here to purchase a copy of my book “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men.”
]]>It is also important to understand that a relapse is not a failure. In fact, relapsing may well be a necessary part of the change process for some people. A relapse allows the person to re-examine his or her original motives for engaging in problematic behavior.
Some of the strategies for maintaining the change process may need to be revisited and perhaps modified. A relapse gives the person a good opportunity to compare their new lifestyle with the old one and to make a renewed commitment to follow through with the changes.
Some people relapse and then guilt or embarrassment takes hold. They become demoralized and feel that the struggle is not worth continuing. It is not helpful to engage in all-or-nothing thinking when a relapse occurs – that is, you are not either a success or a failure.
It is important for you to understand that only about (20) % of people who try to make a life change actually succeed on their first try. It is unrealistic to think that you’ll get it right the first time around. If a relapse does occur (and we of course try to avoid a relapse, but we are all human), it is the perfect time for you to see a professional therapist for individual therapy or couples counseling so that you can work through the reasons why you went back to the old behavior.
You may find that you were still vulnerable to some of the old triggers that set off the negative behavior. When you work with a therapist, new ways can be devised to deal with these triggers. Or you may need to learn new ways to replace the soothing and comfort that came from the old behavior with new and more effective methods.
Take a lesson from nature. Baby birds do not fly on their first attempt. First, they flutter their tiny wings and build the muscle and coordination they will eventually need to fly. They struggle with one failure after the next – until, one day, off they go. And then they soar.
Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 with any questions or to schedule an appointment. Click here to purchase a copy of my book ‘Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men.’
]]>After meeting each other and feeling connected, your relationship will begin to take on a life of its own. In time, when your connection develops into a loving bond, your relationship will be “born” and when this happens, like a baby leaving the womb, life will begin to change for both of you. Like the baby relying on its caretakers for everything, in your newborn relationship, you will both start relying on each other for your primary emotional needs – care, nurturing and love – and when you give this to each other you are both feeding the relationship the “food” that it needs to survive and grow.
New parents tend to be anxious, excited and sometimes they can be a bit jumpy since they don’t have much experience caring for a baby. And if you were a new parent and you heard your baby crying, while you may not know exactly what to do, whatever you did you would do it gently. And you would soon learn what worked and what didn’t work.
For example, if you were a new parent, when your efforts to soothe the baby actually calmed it down you would realize that not knowing what to do or say is okay because all you need to do, and all you’re responsible for doing, is to care, be gentle, and be attentive to the infant. You certainly wouldn’t respond to the infant’s cries as though your baby knew better, and you wouldn’t complain to your baby or yell at it or drink or otherwise put your baby in harm’s way.
Now apply this mindset to your infant relationship and your role as a new parent (uncertain, excited, sometimes clumsy), and you’ll have a rough idea or what you’re responsible for providing to your relationship (love, care and attention). You’ll have a good idea of how to respond (with love, care and attention) and you’ll know how not to put your new relationship in harm’s way (withholding love, care or attention).
You’ll know that just like new parents, neither you nor your partner will automatically know what to do. So expect that just like you, your new partner can also can feel uncertain or anxious or be a little clumsy in the relationships. But like most new parents who learn how to raise a healthy and happy baby together, you and your partner can learn how to build a healthy and happy relationship.
This article is based on my book “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men”. Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment.]]>How Does a Person Become Passive-Aggressive?
Most passive-aggressive people experience a conflict over dependency. Rather than going through the normal developmental sequence in childhood of separating from one’s parents and then forming one’s own identity with encouragement and support from the parents, the passive-aggressive person has formed a dependent relationship with a parent who has never really supported the child’s need to grow and experience life independently. The child continues to cling to the parent for support which he or she never really gets, and when it does they get angry because the support isn’t as consistent as it should be. When the child tries to express anger, it is never validated. So he or she learns to hold in overt expressions of anger for fear of damaging the dependent relationship with the parent. At the same time, the person learns ways of staying in control and experiencing some measure of independence by expressing anger passively. And what better way to get back at another person than by being late for an appointment, or never completing a promised project, or pouting and never saying what the problem is, or encouraging another person’s need for closeness and intimacy and then never coming through? These patterns are learned in childhood and then carried through to relationships in adulthood. Ultimately passive-aggressive people are both afraid of being alone and unable to achieve full independence as an adult. And that is the conflict: they both want and fear being dependent; they want independence and they fear independence. A passive-aggressive partner fights dependence by trying to have control over you. They are out of touch with their feelings and lack the tools for appropriately expressing emotions. They are guarded and feel fragile emotionally. To let you into their world of feelings seems like a dangerous thing to them, so you are always kept at a distance, never to be trusted. Privately they feel inadequate. They either feel that other people are controlling them or they have to be in control of other people, one or the other. Any relationship involves two people, and both are responsible for its success. How does one get involved in a relationship with a passive-aggressive person in the first place, usually without realizing it? The passive-aggressive person can appear to be very attractive at first. After all, he or she is able to contain anger, appears to be strong and capable on the surface, is loyal, and can read your needs very well. When the passive-aggressive behavior becomes a problem, you may even think about leaving the relationship, but you are always drawn back in again. The passive- aggressive person, having never achieved full independence as an adult, ultimately fears being alone and is very good at making sure the relationship continues. When you get blamed for things, you might even feel guilty if you struggle with your own shame and guilt issues or have problems with your self-image. You may even have a need to take care of another person who struggles with his or her own problems, and this is a perfect situation for the passive-aggressive individual who needs to form a dependent attachment to someone. It is even possible that you had a passive-aggressive parent or sibling so that finding a partner with this pattern may seem like an easy transition, something you know well and are good at. If you are in a relationship with a passive-aggressive person, it is easy to complain at length about his or her behavior, but you need to examine your part in the situation. What have you done to perpetuate the problem and what can you do to make things better? Passive-aggressive relationships are difficult to deal with, but help is available and change is possible. When you start to make the necessary changes in your relationship, the passive-aggressive partner may fight you even more. But if you set firm limits and respect yourself, the situation is likely to change for the better. There may not be a complete transformation, but your relationship can be much better.How Does a Passive-Aggressive Person Behave?
Here are some of the obvious ways in which a person expresses anger or aggression passively. Of course a passive-aggressive person will display some of these behaviors only part of the time and some of them may not apply at all. Lateness and Forgetfulness. One of the traits of passive-aggressive behavior most difficult to tolerate is the person’s tendency to be late for appointments or other scheduled events. Being late may reflect both the person’s need to have the control in a situation and underlying feelings of inadequacy. And there is always an excuse…like, “I forgot what time it was” when the person wants to explain away his or her actions or avoid an obligation. Procrastination.The passive-aggressive person will commit to a project or deadline and simply never get it done or else complete the task much too late. Other people who depend on the work being done, meanwhile, become infuriated. Sending Mixed Messages. The person seldom communicates clearly and unambiguously, so that he or she can’t be pinned down. For example, “Maybe we can go out for dinner Friday night,” could be a plan or maybe just a suggestion or perhaps it’s just a way to keep you guessing. If you make a definite plan to go out, then the person can come back and say that he or she was just thinking out loud, and if you don’t make plans, then you are blamed for never coming through. Pouting, Sulking and Lying. When the passive-aggressive person fails to keep promises and is confronted, a common response is to sigh, to withdraw from interacting, and to act as if they are being blamed unfairly. If they must give a response, there is often a fabrication of reality involved, and this can be masterfully done. Open, constructive communication is virtually impossible when the other person is emotionally unavailable or deliberately distorting reality. Feeling Victimized. When you finally put your foot down and expect a firm commitment, then you are the one to blame for trying to be controlling and demanding. The passive-aggressive person acts as if he or she is the helpless victim.How to Deal With a Passive Aggressive Partner
Depending on the nature of your relationship and your values, you ultimately have two choices in dealing with a passive-aggressive partner. You can either try to repair the relationship or you can end it, and of course the former is usually the preferred option. Here are some tips to follow in containing passive-aggression: Recognize the problems in your relationship as stemming from passive-aggression. It is often helpful to enlist the help of a trained therapist who can objectively assess the situation. (In couple therapy the passive aggressive person’s behavior becomes quickly obvious.) Look at your own behavior in the relationship. Look at the part you may play in perpetuating your partner’s passive-aggression. This may take a great deal of self-examination. Then work to change your behavior. This may mean taking an entirely different approach on your part. After all, what you have been doing in the past probably hasn’t worked. Understand what motivates your partner’s passive-aggressive behavior. And try not to be judgmental. Understand how your partner grew up, what anger means to him or her, and how your partner is actually fearful of being alone, and of expressing their anger openly and becoming intimate. Set clear limits. Explain to your partner that you want him or her to be responsible, live up to promises, and be more open. Then you have to constantly enforce these limits. Take a sympathetic approach in doing this, and try not to be vindictive or authoritarian. Teach your partner that expressing anger is acceptable. Healthy couples may fight as much as those in unhealthy relationships, but they fight fair. Learn how to make an argument productive by using constructive communication techniques. If your partner feels empowered there will be no need for him or her to use passive-aggression. Celebrate success. Point out when your partner tries to or succeeds at openly being angry at you. Saying something supportive like “…you did a good job with that”or “…I liked it when you told me about…” can reinforce your partner’s healthier behavior. Meeting with a trained therapist either for individual or couple counseling can help you effectively deal with a passive-aggression partner or help you to stop from being passive-aggressive. Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment.]]>Fixing emotionally-based problems isn’t like an ordinary repair job where you can see and touch what’s broken. To do this work correctly you’ll have to know why things go wrong. In other words, you’ll need to learn about the underlying emotional issues.
I found, as you will, that emotions and feelings aren’t that hard to understand or talk about or to make part of your daily life. It’s like learning to ride a bicycle or to swim: once you learn it becomes second nature. But in the beginning you have hard work to do and working with a therapist is the best way to start.
In individual counseling, you and your therapist will explore your life and your relationships and together you’ll learn the ‘what, when, how and why’ of your problems. Once these become clear, your therapist can teach you how to repair your relationship and resolve your personal struggles.
For many men, counseling is educational so it’s helpful think of it as ‘on-the-job training’ (O.J.T.). Here, you’re the student; the therapist is your instructor, and during your training you’ll learn about and practice with tools custom-made for your needs. For example, you can learn how to:
- be emotionally available
- listen so that she feels heard
- talk so she’ll want to listen
- stop picking the wrong partner
- modify bad behavior
- stop drinking
- stop using porn
- manage your anger
- rebuild trust
- be a better parent
- improve relationships at work
If you’re in individual counseling you’ll practice using these tools during “role-playing” with the therapist. If you’re in couple’s therapy, the therapist will guide you while you practice using the tools with your partner. This O.J.T. usually includes weekly ‘classes’ and doing homework, like reading parts of a book or writing in a journal about your day or making time to talk with your partner.
I know, and maybe you know men who say that emotions are unimportant. Some men refuse to accept that they have any emotions. However this it begins in their lives, without emotional awareness or expression or acceptance, these men can suffer mentally and physically when faced with relationship, professional or personal struggles.
Don’t let this happen to you. Just like you would get other professional help, meet with a licensed therapist. Some offer a free initial consultation. The benefits of doing this work include enhanced self esteem; peace of mind; a deeper self-understanding; freedom from addiction and fulfilling, meaningful life.
This article is based on my book “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men”. Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment.
]]>- Why do my relationships always end the same way?
- Why is it that my life never gets any better?
- Why can’t I commit to a relationship?
Has your partner complained about any of the following…?
- You are not emotionally available!
- You do not hear me!
- You’re not the man I married!
- If you loved me you would know what I want!
Any of these sound familiar? Most men have heard these complaints from their partner and most have been frustrated by such remarks. They wonder why they keep hearing the same complaints and why life never improves. In my own case, before I began my own individual counseling, questions like these left me confused and frustrated.
What got you to the point of reading this website or thinking about counseling is your own story. Maybe your partner has threatened to leave unless you become more emotionally available or unless you start to hear what she or he says. Or, others have said you need to deal with your anger or your road rage.
Perhaps your work performance is getting worse or your coworkers complain about your lack of cooperation. Perhaps you have had a series of unsuccessful dating relationships. Maybe you’re sober and don’t want to relapse or maybe you hate yourself for drinking the way you do and you want to know what drives you to drink this way.
Perhaps you have gambled away your savings. Perhaps you’re finally recognizing you play a part what goes wrong in your life. Perhaps you are simply fed up with feeling the way you do.
Therapy can help you understand why you feel stuck in life and why you react a certain way at particular times. You’ll gain insight into how you approach life and relationships, such as when you use outdated and ineffective patterns without knowing it. You’ll learn why this can happen in your closest relationships and you’ll learn how to stop.
Whether you’re in individual counseling or couples therapy you’ll begin using an approach similar to on-the-job training. (This approach was discussed in the previous blogpost.) I’ve nicknamed therapy for men as bridge-building because you’ll be connecting with parts of your inner self you may not be aware of; parts that have always been available to help you.
As little boys we may have felt some fear while learning to swim or ride a bicycle but we did it anyway. What we wanted to learn demanded this. Even later in life, it’s natural to feel nervous when learning something new but nervousness soon gives way to confidence, and new habits become second nature.
Because working on self-improvement and “relating” may be new to you, you may feel awkward with these topics when you begin therapy. This is normal, especially if this is your first experience with self-improvement. But the pay-off for doing this work is worthwhile-a life of more contentment, peace, fun and better relationships.
This article is based on my book “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men”. Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment.
]]>Loneliness
The loneliness after a breakup can feel intolerable. The finality of the relationship, the uncertainty about the future and the knowledge that your partner will no longer be there to comfort you or to spend time with you, can all contribute to an empty feeling that won’t easily go away. An effective way to cope with a breakup is to redefine what’s happened. For example, redefine ‘loneliness’ as ‘aloneness’ and realize that being alone gives you freedom to create a new future.
In the same way, you can redefine ‘emptiness’ as a feeling of peace, contentment and fulfillment. Looking into oneself and liking what one sees is a key to making the shift to aloneness. Get into being alone. It is a precious but tenuous gift that can disappear to quickly from one’s life.
Friendships
The end of your relationship is a true test of just who your friends really are. It is important to draw on the emotional support of friends during and after a breakup. Unfortunately many of your friends were those who knew you as a couple – and now they often must choose between you. Even those who try to stay neutral may find this to be difficult.
Many of them may feel that your breakup will somehow threaten their own relationship and some friends may now find it hard to deal with you as a single person. Not only that, you may find it difficult to trust others as well.
Grieving
Grieving is both normal and necessary when a love relationship ends. You may feel depressed for some time and experience changes in your sleep, appetite, energy, and concentration and your ability to make a decision. As unpleasant as it may feel, comfort yourself with the knowledge that this is how you are saying goodbye so that you can move on to a healthier and happier future. Meeting with a professional individual counselor can help you process your thoughts and feelings. If the sense of loss doesn’t diminish or it keeps returning, consult with a professional grief counselor.
Anger
You may say that you never thought you could be so angry. The rage can seem overwhelming at times. But no, you’re not going crazy. Think about it. You’ve just lost one of the most important people in your life and in some ways your partner can be your enemy. And you have a lot to be angry about. Use this opportunity to explore your anger and to find out how it helps and hurts you. Anger is helpful in the sense that it helps us end the loyalty and trust that we used to have in our partner and this allows us to move on. Do not engage in any behavior that you will regret later on. For example, don’t turn to social media to degrade your ex-partner.
Get Help
Getting through this difficult period requires one step at a time mindset. Some steps may be harder than others. Not only do you have to confront loneliness, anger and grieving but you must deal with the finality of the emotional break from your partner; understand what really went wrong; learn to like yourself again; see yourself as a single person; make new friends; forge new goals and purpose for yourself and learn again about trust and love. As painful as the journey is, it can lead to a life which is much better.
If you’re in recovery after a breakup or are wondering how you’ll survive a breakup, consult with a professional marriage therapist. If unresolved feelings from your past begin to surface, consider individual therapy for yourself since these feelings are unlikely to go away by themselves. Seeking help can help you get through a breakup in an emotionally healthy manner.
Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment. Click here for an overview of my book “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men.”
]]>While there are many possibilities, one possible reason someone avoids us in this situation has to do with their unresolved issues. Basically, if our struggle reminds them of an unresolved issue in their life, they might be reluctant to help us since if they did they’d risk feeling their own pain. Also, not helping may be a conscious choice they make or it can be an automatic response that they have.
Another reason they don’t respond could be that we assumed that a supportive relationship exists when it really doesn’t. If this happens to you and you’re certain of the supportive relationship, assume the other person’s response isn’t about you personally but instead assume it’s an overwhelming emotional reaction that they feel.
Later, if you wished to, you could talk to them about your expectations of their support and ask why they stayed away. (However, they may not be able to explain what happened.) If it turns out that you made a wrong assumption about having a supportive relationship talk about this too and clarify the nature of the relationship.
If the situation was reversed and you couldn’t emotionally support someone, let the person know that your response was not about them personally. Sharing with them what happened to you could build a reliable supportive connection between you.
Here are some ways to be supportive of others:
- Empathize. Try to imagine what it’s like for them and how they’re feeling. Saying something like “I’m really sorry that you’re going through this” shows them your care.
- Listen. Saying something like “Let me make sure I understand you. What you’re saying is…” shows that you’re listening. Then listen for their emotional needs and let them know how you can (realistically) help. If they aren’t communicating clearly with you, try to label their feelings for them. For example, saying something like “You must feel (hurt, lonely, angry, sad). How can I help you right now?” shows that you’re focused on them, you’re listening to them and that you care.
- Don’t give advice. Unless you’re directly asked for suggestions or the person is in a crisis situation, giving unsolicited advice doesn’t feel very supportive.
- Don’t judge. Remember, everyone does the best they can in life. Show respect even if you disagree with the other person. Your values or beliefs about how you would handle their situation are not important to someone who is hurting or who may be depressed.
- Be positive. Say something like “You’ve been through hard times before. You can find your way through this”. Or, “This may be an opportunity for you to grow.”
- Control your emotions. Focus on understanding. Don’t get angry when your plans suddenly have to change because the other person is hurting. If the situation could have been avoided, talk to the person about this later.
- Emotional honesty. Being straightforward about your feelings gains respect from others. For example, if you’re hurt by a remark, saying something like “What you said really hurt. I felt that you….”
- Stay calm. You can still be stern and forceful without yelling.
- Keep your word. Sometimes helping someone through their situation requires much more than you originally thought it would.
- Patience. Supportive relationships take time and effort to build. You must be patient, emotionally available, empathetic, self-aware and open minded to be as supportive as possible.
Meeting with a psychotherapist or professional relationship counselor can help you work through roadblocks you might have about being supportive to others or about how you feel when you are emotionally unsupported.
Recommended reading:
“How to be Supportive. Reeeeeeally Supportive!” (Kindle Edition) by Pamela Camille
“Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men.”
Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment.
]]>Hypnosis is a procedure in which a psychotherapist makes suggestions to a person so that they experience changes in perception, thoughts or behavior. It is a proven method of helping people move through unconscious barriers to self improvement, enabling a person tap into their natural abilities, use more of their potential and gain more self-control.
Hypnosis (sometimes referred to as ‘hypnotherapy’) is a therapy tool normally used in individual therapy but it is not a stand-alone, separate type of therapy. It cannot, by itself, help people with psychological or physical problems. If the therapist thinks hypnosis will be beneficial, this option would be thoroughly discussed before the client is asked to consent to this treatment.
Applications of Hypnosis
- Anxiety
- Panic Disorder
- Depression
- Self Esteem
- Moodiness
- Anger Management
- Problem Drinking
- Smoking Cessation
- Overeating
- Pain Management
- Obsessive Behavior & Thinking
- Hair Pulling
- Nail Biting
- Preparation for Medical & Dental Procedures
A common misconception is that hypnosis can make you behave in a way that you normally wouldn’t. The fact is your mind will only accept suggestions that fit well with your personal morals, values and principles and will ignore those suggestions that do not. Clinical hypnosis is not a form of entertainment, and is only used by licensed healthcare professionals who are educated and trained in the procedure.
Examples of Hypnosis in Daily Life
Many of us have experiences during our daily life that are “hypnotic.” For example, when you watch a good movie, you can get “absorbed” into the story and characters’ lives while you ignore your immediate surroundings. Then after the movie is over, you once again notice where you are and the other people.
Or, say you’re gardening and cut your finger, but you’re able to keep working. Your mind is able to ignore the pain because you’re focused on the task of gardening. After you stop gardening you feel the pain in your finger. Or, after driving home from work you realize that you don’t remember the trip. Your conscious mind was focused on something else, like what happened at work during the day, and your unconscious mind drove the car. In each of these examples, you would by in a “trance” – your conscious mind would be fully absorbed and focused on one thing only and nothing else.
What Happens During Hypnosis?
In very general terms, the first step would be to help you to relax. You’ll choose to recline or remain upright, with your eyes open or closed. You may remain awake or you may fall asleep during hypnosis. Being asleep or awake does not interfere with treatment effectiveness. You will become deeply relaxed as you focus only on the sound of the therapist’s voice while he or she orients you toward new perspectives and possibilities. The therapist will help you to intensely focus on one issue, and in this way you’ll ignore everything else.
During hypnosis your relaxed conscious mind “steps aside,” allowing the therapist to make suggestions to your unconscious mind. Your unconscious mind will “absorb” these suggestions, e.g. the possibility of a new perspective, and then works silently in the background, communicating these suggestions to your conscious mind where they can be put into action. Again, your mind will only accept suggestions that fit well with your personal morals, values and principles and will ignore those suggestions that do not.
Self Hypnosis
After a hypnosis therapy session the therapist can teach you how to use self-hypnosis. This can reinforce the suggested changes made by your therapist during your session, and can help the changes continue happening between sessions and after your therapy ends. Of course, you always have some responsibility in the treatment outcome and like other healthcare procedure, there is no guarantee that hypnosis will achieve the desired result.
How to Find a Hypnotherapist
When you contact a psychotherapist or other healthcare professional for clinical hypnosis services, ask if they are currently licensed (not just ‘certified’) in their specialty by the state licensing board in your state of residence. Also ask what their healthcare degree is in. If it is only in hypnosis or hypnotherapy then they are probably a lay hypnotherapist, many of whom have had no clinical healthcare training.
In the U.S., people seeking treatment with hypnosis can contact these organizations for referrals:
Societies of Hypnosis
American Society of Clinical Hypnosis (ASCH)
Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment. Click here if you would like an overview of my book “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men.”
]]>Symptoms of Relationship Addiction:
Premature Bonding
Relationship addicts, also known as love addicts, have an overwhelming need to bond with someone. This goes beyond a healthy need to connect with others. Unfortunately, this need for an instant attachment tends to overwhelm other people and pushes them away. And it leads to poor decisions by the addict about whom to let into one’s life.
Excessive Fantasies
Throughout the course of a relationship, the addict spends a great deal of time thinking about the other person and fantasizing about how perfect things will be. If the relationship ends, the fantasy about getting together again may continue. While a healthy love relationship also involves fantasies, addictive fantasies have an obsessive quality about them. These fantasies tend to take over one’s day. The need to fantasize takes priority over socializing with others, work, taking care of normal daily routines – and at the extreme fantasies can become expectations that must come true.
The Need for Excitement
Addicts generally crave getting “high”. Relationship addicts see an ordinary relationship as boring because it lacks a sense of constant excitement. So relating for the addict involves creating drama. They might pick fights just to experience a rush of excitement. An ordinary argument becomes a war. They see reality in terms of their own needs, so they easily read between the lines – “No matter what she says, I know she really loves me.” A love addict doesn’t understand that a normal relationship involves a series of highs and lows and that in real life the lows do not mean that the relationship has ended.
Exaggerated Anxiety and Jealousy about the Relationship
Relationship addicts typically have fears left over from childhood experiences such as being neglected, rejected or abandoned. Their greatest fear in adulthood is feeling lonely because this reminds them of the childhood pain and they will go to extremes in their relationships to avoid feeling this way again. They also need to feel attached and find it difficult to live independently – in their relationship they constantly look for things that are not going well. They frequently accuse or nag their partner and become possessive and experience anxiety or even panic when their partner is not present.
Ineffective Expression of Emotions
Because of childhood experiences the relationship addict can be confused and overwhelmed by emotions. For example, he might feel that anger leads to rejection or abandonment so he doesn’t express anger. Feelings get suppressed. Relationship addicts have a great tolerance for suffering and will endure substantial pain to avoid the possibility of losing their partner. Because he suppresses his normal, flexible emotional expression, he may revert to all or nothing thinking and feeling. He loves or hates; is vigilant or complacent; feels courageous or afraid.
Loose Personal Boundaries
Because many relationship addicts have self-esteem issues they have weak personal boundaries. They lose their sense of individuality and become enmeshed with their partner. They don’t know where their needs and emotions begin and where their partner’s end. If their partner feels happy, they feel happy. If their partner is sad, they feel sad. If they sense that their partner wants them to be a certain way, that’s what they become. They have difficulty saying “no”. Unfortunately this can lead to the addict being disrespected or manipulated.
The healthy love relationship consists of two independent people who come together and make a commitment to each other. Each partner is free to live as they choose within the boundaries of their commitment. Partners encourage each other to follow the beat of their own drum. The relationship enhances each partner’s ability to experience a full life with love, security and support.
If you feel you or your partner is a relationship addict or others have say they’ve seen any of these symptoms in your relationship, consider meeting with a professional couple counselor. If you struggle with old thoughts and feelings from childhood while you work through your relationship issues, consider getting individual counseling for yourself.
Book Recommendations:
- “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” by Howard. M. Halpern
- “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Melody
- “Addiction to Love” by Susan Peabody
- “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men”
Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment.
]]>- I sometimes feel confused about what my partner really wants.
- I feel that my partner frequently takes advantage of my giving nature.
- Even when I do something that pleases my partner, the positive feelings never last very long.
- With my partner I feel that it’s hard to just be myself or do what I really want to do.
- Around my partner I feel taken for granted.
- I seem to work harder on this relationship than my partner does.
- My partner has a very strong impact on what I think and feel.
- I sometimes feel that I am trapped in my relationship and there’s no way out.
- I feel that I need my partner more than my partner needs me.
- No matter how much I’ve done, I feel that it’s not good enough for my partner.
- I feel that my partner does not understand who I really am.
- I don’t feel as good about myself in my relationship as I once did.
If you answered “True” to more than half the questions you might want to consider exploring whether or not you’re in a manipulative relationship.
Dealing with Manipulation
If you’re in this kind of relationship and want to change it, there are effective ways to stand up against manipulation and bring your relationship back into balance. Here are things you should know and some ways that you can help yourself.
Step 1.0: How to spot manipulation.
- Manipulators watch and learn the other person’s vulnerabilities and how to exploit them for their own purposes.
- Manipulators use two basic tactics to exert control. They promise to change if the other first goes along with what the manipulator wants. “I promise I’ll help you at home if you’ll stop spending time with your friends at work.” Or, they threaten loss. “I’m going to stay out every night unless you clean this house so it’s spotless when I get home.”
- Manipulation usually progresses over a long period of time during which the manipulator learns how far they can go. While they have a strong need to control, they’re unlikely to try manipulating the other person at the beginning of a relationship since this would quickly end the relationship.
Step 2.0: Know yourself.
Here are some common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulation:
- You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of others.
- You need to have the approval and acceptance of others.
- You fear expressing negative emotions.
- You can’t say no.
- You lack a firm sense of your own self.
Step 3.0: Change yourself. You cannot change the manipulator.
You won’t outsmart them. Remember, they’ve probably had years of practice. Telling them how their tactics affect you seldom works. Manipulators usually lack empathy and they’ll eventually use what you say about them against you. Begin changing how you respond to the manipulator. If you stop cooperating, this will instantly change the relationship. Manipulators don’t like to work too hard at their trade so they soon give up and may even leave the relationship.
Step 4.0: Should you stay or leave?
Depending on the damage done and your sense of happiness, you may need to consider whether it’s worth it to stay in the relationship. Of course, there are many situations in which a partner must stay in the relationship, including a parent/child relationship; a business partnership or boss/employee relationships. In such a situation you can at least get clarity about how the relationship adds to or reduces your potential to reach you personal goals.
Step 5.0: Self-control
Buy some time to think about each situation as it happens. If you get hurt or angry or afraid or you need time to rehearse what you’ll say back to the manipulator, firmly and gently say something like “I‘ll get back to you when I’ve had time to think about it.” Now, you’re in control. Don’t answer them if they ask you why you need more time to think – if you do, you risk giving up your control of your actions.
Without explanation and remaining firm, simply repeat as often as necessary something like “I need more time to think about it.” Then take as much time as you can to gather your thoughts and to prepare your response.
Step 6.0: Manage your emotions.
Face you fear. Manage your anger. Stop feeling guilty. Fear, guilt and anger are normal emotional reactions to manipulation. Once you learn to cope with and mange these feelings you’ll be more able to stand up to a manipulator and other difficult people. Doing this is hard work and is best accomplished with the help of a professional psychotherapist. For example, during individual counseling you’ll take a deep look inside yourself; learn where these feelings come and how to manage them, and you’ll have more strength to face the manipulator.
If you wish to, you may be able to convince the manipulator to join you in couples counseling by saying something like “The therapist will probably need your help with me” or “I need your help with the problem I have of not giving you what you want.” A psychotherapist can also help you deal with your codependency if you have these traits, and could be available to you by phone between therapy sessions if you need support.
Step 7.0: Self-assertion.
An example of self assertion would be you saying, with a calm voice and with direct eye contact something like: “When you threaten to leave me I feel afraid. If you simply tell me what you want and show me respect I’ll be more able to listen to what you want.” At some point it will be time for you to set firm boundaries. For example, say something like “We both understand that you have a pattern of playing on my fears, and now you know how I feel about that and that it’s not going to work any longer.”
Recommended reading:
Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com with any questions or to schedule an appointment.
]]>Affirmations for Grief
When you grieve, remember that:
- Losses are a fact of life.
- Every relationship is only temporary.
- I need to be aware as possible of what is happening.
- I will not always feel the way I do now.
- My loved one would want me to get on with life again.
- Tears are a sign of strength.
- I am willing to give this all the time it takes
- I need to do a lot of talking and crying – as much as it takes.
- My loved one’s departure allows me to find out more about who I am.
- My life has been disrupted, and now I will work to get it back on track again.
- My grieving is my own – I, and not others will determine what form it takes.
- Nobody else can take this life journey from me.
- I will be happy again.
“Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break”
– William Shakespeare (Macbeth, Act IV, Scene 3)
Recommended Reading:
“How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies” by Therese A. Rando
Helpful Website:
Please call me at 949-760-7171 or text 949-244-8572 with any questions or email me at jimswaniger@gmail.com to schedule an appointment. Click here for an overview of my book “Building Better Relationships – A Guidebook for Men.”
]]>Prevent Caregiver Stress & Burnout
MARRIAGE, MEN’S ISSUES, PARENTING, WOMEN’S ISSUES—burnout, Caregiver, Caregiver burnout, Caregiver fatigue, Caregiver Stress, Elder care, Fatigue, stress—March 21, 2023
Ways to Manage Caregiver Stress
The following article is an excerpt from:
A Caregiver’s Guide to Coping with Stress and Burnout – Caring.com
(downloaded March 21, 2023 from Caring.com)
After You Cheated – (4) Keys to Coping with Your Partner’s Rage
FORGIVENESS, INFIDELITY, MARRIAGE, MEN’S ISSUES, RELATIONSHIPS, THERAPY, Uncategorized, WOMEN’S ISSUES—affair recovery, cheating, emotional affairs, forgiveness, infidelity, sexual affairs—September 19, 2021
You knew this was going to be hard.
After all, when you cheat on the person you love, there are going to be consequences. And this would involve more than a simple argument or disagreement. Your actions have damaged the core of your relationship. What your partner thought was stable, and perhaps even flourishing, actually had an unstable inner core that led to betrayal. That’s exactly how your partner is going to feel—betrayed—aside from a host of other emotions.
When they finally get to know the truth, they are going to be angry. And you can’t blame them. No matter how uncomfortable the situation may get, it’s important for you to know how to adequately cope with that anger so that both of you can move forward.
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